Granola Bar

There is something about mid-January that makes me crave granola. Might be that I have run out of Christmas cookies and I am lying to myself about the "health" aspects of this food choice when, in fact, I am feeding an addiction. There might be a better, healthier way to make the crunchy, oat part. I am just not interested in finding out. Because this recipe is my "favorite and my best" (bonus points if you can source the quote). Technically, it is not MY recipe. It is Alton Brown's. But since I only make the goo and add oats before baking, I'd like to claim at least a little input.

Here's the real recipe to start with.

And here is how I change it:

Toss the oats and brown sugar in a bowl.

Whisk the vegetable oil, salt and maple syrup in something else.

Consider a little cinnamon or nutmeg or cardamon.

But only if you really feel like it.

I should warn you, the syrup mixture is like salted caramel without the cooking. It is SO good. I may or may not pour a little extra of each ingredient in while making it just so I can drink some of it in a shot glass. I do wipe the measuring cup out with my hand and eat it like Winnie the Pooh. It is part of the experience.

Then I mix them both together and bake according to directions. I do! I follow the directions...for the cooking part of it, anyway. (No one who has seen my knitting will be surprised by the fact that I always change the directions!)

Now, look. I am not a real food blogger. Or a photographer. Yes, that is carbonized crud in my oven. If it bothers you terribly, please feel free to come over and clean it. But this is what it will look like when it is done. It will smell good long before it is ready to come out. Resist the urge to yank it early. Wait until the mush is browning, stir it around a little if your oven bakes things unevenly due to age, faulty thermometer, or carbonized crud. The little rolled oats will curl up when they are done.

Then you let it mostly cool. I live in reality here, folks. I already waited for it to bake to a crisp. I can't possibly be expected to wait for "cool completely."

And then the fun part!

You pick all of your favorite things to have on hand to put in with the granola. It does not matter if they go together as a whole! Because each bowl you make will be custom blended. AND each ingredient will be at its personal best for every serving. I hate few things more than I hate cooked raisins but plump, soft raisins are wonderful. (Putting raisins in the oven the whole time with the oats will give you tough, burned, teeth-cracking, putrid lumps that you have to eat around while still suffering the taste in your mouth--due to flavor osmosis--and it will need to be burned away with Listerine.) The empty section may have contained white chocolate chips at some point but that was long before my kids dug in.

And, yes, that bowl is dirty. But only just. And only because I ate a bowl of it mostly cooled with dried mango and macadamia nuts before I took the picture.

This works well when you have house guests. Have some yogurt and milk in the fridge and they can fix themselves a bowl when they'd like in the morning. Or as a late snack over ice cream. Or even breakfast over ice cream. Hell, you might be playing host but it's their vacation! Let them live a little!

On a Riff

Stuffed Salty Dog

(serves 2-4 depending on anxiety levels)

1 ruby red grapefruit

4 oz vodka

4 oz sparkling water, tonic, or club soda

sea salt or Kosher salt

ice

Supreme the grapefruit. You know what that means, right? Removing the fleshy bits. See, I can make up shit in context! Anyway, what it means is you cut off all the rind with NO white stuff left. Then, slice the pulpy bits out in wedge sections without cutting off a finger. (Which, incidentally, is the bonus part of using a red grapefruit. Should you slip...no one knows.) Best to look up a tutorial if you are unsure.

Put the sections in a liquid measuring cup and squeeze the remaining hunk of membranes like you're ringing the neck of a small animal that didn't quite die in the trap. Oops. Did I just piss off PETA? Come one...it's a grapefruit and a metaphor. Deal with it.

Add the vodka and muddle. There are any number of ways to do this. The fanciest one is with an official muddler. I do not have one of those. I used a fork. As with (I assume) taxidermy, it is all about the right tools. But if the right tools are pricey or you are thirsty then you make do with what you have, no?

The measuring cup is important. Because you need to know how much grapefruity stuff you have so you can divide it evenly among the glasses after siphoning off a bit for yourself. No, no this is important! You have to get to a level you can easily divide by the number of glasses you plan on filling. (Math is everywhere!)

Next: glasses with ice. I like it half full myself. I mean, EXACTLY half full, which is also EXACTLY half empty. Depending on your present anxiety level, feel free to play with the volume of ice to balance out your own, personal freaky control issues. It's like a glass of therapy, this recipe is!

Sprinkle a pinch or two of salt over the ice. I don't know why I do it at this step. I just know it tastes better if I do. Then add the pulpy mash.

Pour 1 or more ounces of vodka over it and then top with an equal amount of something fizzy.

NO garnish. The fun is already in the glass. Enjoy!

Drinking and Taxidermy

Presenting The Taxidermist, a Holiday Cocktail:

1 oz vanilla vodka

1 splash grenadine
3 - 4 oz Sprite or Mountain Dew or 7-Up 

Fill glass with ice. Add the vodka. Add the pop. Add a glug or two of Grenadine syrup. Throw in a lemon wedge and a cherry for some Olde Worlde charm. 

Stir, very gently, with the paw, tail or antler of an animal you've recently killed and stuffed. 

Liberal Interpretation

If the Unibunny didn't already give it away, this one will.

I am, by any form of measurement, short of stature. Sure, I can give my height in inches (60.5) or centimeters (153.67) to kind of boost the perception of me. But what it comes down to is I am 5 feet tall. It took some time (like, 20 years) for me to recognize that extra half inch does not really matter. At this stage in my life, it is going to disappear soon anyway. The least I can do is start to mentally prepare for it.

There are some advantages to being short. No one asks me to help with tall jobs. Time to arrange canned goods on high shelves? I'm not your gal. Tinsel on the tree? Only if you want the top 1/3 naked. Also, I am a handy tool for estimating. How far away is that rock? About 3 Alphas. Some quick mental math and you know that rock is 15 feet away.

Have you ever been driving down the road and thought the minivan in front of you was driving itself? That was me. The top of my head does not clear the top of the seat. My kids like to pretend they are being chauffeured around by Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or that car from Flubber. They have even nicknamed the minivan "Herbie Jr.".

But not today! Today we were running late and I pulled my coat on over my pajamas, went with the slippers, and grabbed one of my kids' hats and we rolled out of the cul-du-sac. Maybe about 1584 Alphas into the trip the 7 year old behind me started laughing.

"Mama, you know how no one behind us can see you driving? Today it looks like the DOG is driving the car!"

Yep. The only parts of the Yeti poking above my headrest were the ears and the furry bit between them.

And the 10 year old offers: "Um...it's like there's a Husky driving us to school!"

Well, at least he got that part right!

Here's another item available for purchase: a Brown Breasted Barbet. Look at this bird! What do you eat with a beak like that? It seems disproportionately large for the body. But what do I know, I eat yogurt and coffee. Not together. I mean, at the same meal or snack, sure. But I do not put yogurt IN my coffee. But coffee in my yogurt, hmmm...



The photo is from the artist's blog/shop. Click that nifty hyperlink up there. And if you want to see some more amazing things check out the portfolio at Hanson Bird Taxidermy (another nifty link). Especially the Rufous Crowned Roller.

Damn. Birds get the best names.

Feltidermy

Early days here at Baking and Taxidermy, but we have already found a very fabulous thing:

Yep, that there's a unibunny. From the blissfully named GirlSavage, who specializes in mounted faux taxidermy pieces. You can find her at her Etsy shop. Seriously, I want to meet this girl.

The Winnah!

This display shares wall space with the World Record Holding Muskie in Hayward, Wisconsin at The Moccasin Bar. There are many things I love about this one. The little dribble of blood leaking out of he nose and mouth of the vanquished. Looks like roadkill doesn't he? The trainers are particularly animated. The losing trainer hiding his face in shame. The winner's manager still talking trash. The emotion in this piece is all about the skunks. And the contrast of the exhausted looking "Winnah" is well played.

I love the owl in the tree. The far-off bear in the field. And to correct Roadside America, the referee is a beaver. (I mean, what use has a groundhog for webbed feet and a paddle tail?)